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KIDS
Sibling Fighting By Michael Grose
There are two broad approaches that parents can adopt with kids fighting - become involved or remain neutral. Your approach will depend on the age, maturity and ability of your children to sort out their own problems, your ability to ignore noise and your beliefs about how conflict should be resolved.
Australian psychologist and parenting authority Dr. Maurice Balson in his book Becoming Better Parents recommends that parents leave children to resolve their own disputes. He says, "If parents ignored sibling fighting and left children free to settle their own disputes, the incidence of fighting would decrease."
Balson maintains that kids fighting is for the benefit of their parents and when we intervene to adjudicate or punish the guilty child we are doing exactly what the children want us to do.
This approach makes a great deal of sense, but as most parents know, some fights are impossible to ignore particularly when they happen under your nose.
If this is the case make a swift retreat when children fight or invite them to resolve their noisy disputes outside. Many parents have found that arguing and fighting practically disappears when children are consistently shown the door to the backyard.
Children often need parental assistance to help them resolve their disputes amicably.
When children want you to intervene in their disagreements let them know that you are willing to help them work out a solution, but avoid taking sides. Establish what the fight is about, rather than who started it, and offer suggestions to resolve the issue.
Of course you cannot sit down and work through every issue with kids, but through meetings or discussions you can at least give them some guidelines that they may use themselves. But don't expect children to suddenly sit down and discuss every dispute with Buddha-like wisdom if they have hurled insults at each other for years. Be realistic and look for small improvements.
If you do intervene in kids fighting make sure that you get in early before a full-scale fight occurs. Be assertive, make them aware that they are arguing and inform them of its affect on you. Invite them to either stop fighting or continue the dispute elsewhere.
If you are concerned that one child is being victimised or singled out by other siblings discuss some survival strategies such as going to their bedroom at the first sign of a fight or even moving close to a parent if safety is an issue. Often the victims give as good as they receive when families fight and can sometimes be the instigators of disputes.
Don't be too perturbed if your children argue and fight with each other at the drop of a hat. Some of the closest adult families admit to habitually fighting when they were children. And some young siblings I know are affectionate to each other one minute and ready to fight tooth and nail the next. Let's face it, children are hard to fathom at the best of times and down-right impossible when they fight.
One simple preventative strategy is the use of regular team briefs. Once a week parents sit with their children in a quiet place and discuss family issues and concerns as well as talk about positive things that have happened in the past week. Invariably kids conflict and issues kids fight about are raised. This gives children both a voice and parents an opportunity to teach children how to resolve conflict reasonably and quietly. My research shows that families that have a conflict resolution process in place, such as team briefs or family meetings experience a significant reduction in kids fighting.
Michael Grose is a popular parenting educator and parent coach. He is the director of Parent Coaching Australia, the author of six books for parents and a popular presenter who speaks to audiences in Australian Singapore and the USA. For free courses and resources to help you raise happy kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au.
For greater understanding of why kids fight and how you can dramatically reduce the amount and intensity of fighting read One Step Ahead: A guide to raising 3 to 12 year olds by Michael Grose. Order your copy at http://www.parentingideas.com.au.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Grose
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